I'm still trying to finish up bird, bat, and skeleton costumes, so I don't have any pictures of short people running away from the camera or refusing to wear "boy socks" (don't ask).
I've been reading a lot of Erma Bombeck lately. I'm tired of teenaged vampires, teenaged revolutionary leaders, and teenaged (or close enough) S&M enthusiasts.
I'm a middle-aged housewife and I need somebody to make me laugh about my role as a cat-herding, frog-adopting, boo-boo-kissing, dinner-burning, battle-choosing jack-of-all-trades.
Here's a few gems from Erma that had sweet tea shooting out of my nose:
"When I entertain, I do it with all the grace of a water buffalo with a migraine. To begin with, a spontaneous, impromptu, instant party takes me anywhere from three to four weeks to pull off."
"I always wondered if someone ran an ad in the New York Times: WANTED: Household drudge, 140 hour week, no retirement, no sick leave, no room of own, no Sundays off. Must be good with animals, kids and hamburger. Must share bath. Would 42 million women still apply?"
"A few weeks ago when my husband had the sniffles, he took his cold to his bed, summoned three medical opinions, insisted I mail the children out of the state, installed a dumbwaiter in his bedroom (me!) and wrote to ABC insisting he would make a great two-part series for "Marcus Welby, M.D."