Thursday, October 11, 2012

Choosing a Halloween Costume: A Tutorial

There is an art, as every toddler or pre-schooler knows, to choosing one's Halloween costume.  Driving your mother completely crazy throughout the process is the key to maximizing one's enjoyment of said costume.  Sarah and Will have broken down the process into 10 easy steps so you, too, can make Mom dread this time of year.

1. Get started on the nagging early.  March or April works great.  July is pushing it, and if you wait until August, you might as well just give up the whole deal and wait til next year.  It helps that Mom knows that your grasp on the concept of time is nebulous.

2.  Don't even THINK about using one of the bazillion costumes already inhabiting your dress-up box. Those are for lounging in, going to the grocery store, or attending story times at the library.

3.  The superhero cape is an expression of your true identity.  Regular clothes are the disguise.

4.  When Mom asks you what you want to be for Halloween, come up with the most outlandish and complicated costume you can, and make sure it can't be found in stores for under $100, so she has to make it from scratch.  (Examples: disco-triceratops; Snoopy flying on his house)

5.  Any time the tailor/minion asks you to try on the costume-in-progress, throw it as far away from you as you can and streak through the neighborhood in your underwear.

6.  Two days before Halloween, you and your brother should both decide that nothing but the bee costume you wore as a baby will do, and proceed to have a UFC-style fight over who gets to try to squeeze into it.

Ahh.  To the victor go the spoils.
 7.  Ensemble costumes are for other kids.  You've been choosing your clothes since you could walk, and you've got this style thing down pat.

8.  If it ain't got bling, it ain't your thing.  Tulle, satin, lame, faux fur, sequins, and rhinestones are essential.

9.  When it's time to go Trick-or-Treating, refuse to wear an essential component of the costume, such as the hat, ears, or sideburns.  Bonus points if you throw a huge tantrum and the parental units bribe you with candy to just come on out of the house.

10.  Remember, you're a method actor.  If the dog costume calls for the tongue out and drool, give the audience tongue and drool.

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