The Wisdom of Erma

 I'm still trying to finish up bird, bat, and skeleton costumes, so I don't have any pictures of short people running away from the camera or refusing to wear "boy socks" (don't ask).

I've been reading a lot of Erma Bombeck lately.  I'm tired of teenaged vampires, teenaged revolutionary leaders, and teenaged (or close enough) S&M enthusiasts.

I'm a middle-aged housewife and I need somebody to make me laugh about my role as a cat-herding, frog-adopting, boo-boo-kissing, dinner-burning, battle-choosing jack-of-all-trades.

Here's a few gems from Erma that had sweet tea shooting out of my nose:

"When I entertain, I do it with all the grace of a water buffalo with a migraine.  To begin with, a spontaneous, impromptu, instant party takes me anywhere from three to four weeks to pull off."

"I always wondered if someone ran an ad in the New York Times: WANTED: Household drudge, 140  hour week, no retirement, no sick leave, no room of own, no Sundays off.  Must be good with animals, kids and hamburger.  Must share bath.  Would 42 million women still apply?"

"A few weeks ago when my husband had the sniffles, he took his cold to his bed, summoned three medical opinions, insisted I mail the children out of the state, installed a dumbwaiter in his bedroom (me!) and wrote to ABC insisting he would make a great two-part series for "Marcus Welby, M.D."

Choosing a Halloween Costume: A Tutorial

There is an art, as every toddler or pre-schooler knows, to choosing one's Halloween costume.  Driving your mother completely crazy throughout the process is the key to maximizing one's enjoyment of said costume.  Sarah and Will have broken down the process into 10 easy steps so you, too, can make Mom dread this time of year.


1. Get started on the nagging early.  March or April works great.  July is pushing it, and if you wait until August, you might as well just give up the whole deal and wait til next year.  It helps that Mom knows that your grasp on the concept of time is nebulous.

2.  Don't even THINK about using one of the bazillion costumes already inhabiting your dress-up box. Those are for lounging in, going to the grocery store, or attending story times at the library.

3.  The superhero cape is an expression of your true identity.  Regular clothes are the disguise.

4.  When Mom asks you what you want to be for Halloween, come up with the most outlandish and complicated costume you can, and make sure it can't be found in stores for under $100, so she has to make it from scratch.  (Examples: disco-triceratops; Snoopy flying on his house)

5.  Any time the tailor/minion asks you to try on the costume-in-progress, throw it as far away from you as you can and streak through the neighborhood in your underwear.

6.  Two days before Halloween, you and your brother should both decide that nothing but the bee costume you wore as a baby will do, and proceed to have a UFC-style fight over who gets to try to squeeze into it.

Ahh.  To the victor go the spoils.

 7.  Ensemble costumes are for other kids.  You've been choosing your clothes since you could walk, and you've got this style thing down pat.

8.  If it ain't got bling, it ain't your thing.  Tulle, satin, lame, faux fur, sequins, and rhinestones are essential.

9.  When it's time to go Trick-or-Treating, refuse to wear an essential component of the costume, such as the hat, ears, or sideburns.  Bonus points if you throw a huge tantrum and the parental units bribe you with candy to just come on out of the house.

10.  Remember, you're a method actor.  If the dog costume calls for the tongue out and drool, give the audience tongue and drool.

Pumpkin Decorating

Around here, we like to get the Halloween decorating started early.  That's fine for the witch legs, a mummified door, and monster wreaths, but when it comes to pumpkin-carving, even we know you have to wait unless you want all of your hard work to rot before the big night.

But, actually this perceived challenge presents an opportunity for engaging in a more kid-friendly version of pumpkin decorating: painting.

We were inspired by these bat pumpkins and this Hello Kitty pumpkin.  However, I let the kids do all the work, so they didn't turn out exactly the same.

 Googly-eyes and Sharpies were our weapons of choice, as was the glue gun.

"This is where the wings go."

Franken-Bat

 Will cut the bat fangs, wings, and ears all by himself.  The only thing more exciting than glitter is getting to use the scissors, and I'm proud to say that each of us managed to retain all ten digits throughout the process.

 My favorite features of Sarah's Hello Kitty are the rainbow eyelashes and the pig nose with whiskers.

 Will mistook Hello Kitty's witch hat for a birthday hat, and decided his bat needed a birthday hat too. 

 I guess it is kind of confusing, since Mike's birthday is on Halloween. 

Maybe these pumpkins aren't perfectly Pinterest-worthy, but I think they turned out even better than the perfect grownup-made pumpkins.  Plus, my guys are so proud of our new decorations, they can't wait to make more!

Coolest. Dad. Ever.

Last week, just as I was trying to work my way back into my children's good graces, Mike swoops in with a Hail Mary that ended all my hopes of becoming Favorite Parent.  He got us tickets to Disney on Ice.   As in, all of Sarah's and Will's favorite characters in one place, dancing, singing, and, of course, skating. 

Can I get a Yee-haw?!

I'm so impressed that everybody's looking at the camera in these two pictures.

 Of course, when you're an hour early for a Disney event, you have to shell out for some doo-dads. 

 Now, Sarah has a new unicorn named Cory, and Will has Buzz Lightyear #3.  Or Shiny Buzz, whatever floats your boat and doesn't anger the toddler. 

New loot requires some breaking-in, so of course we had to run the toys over EVERY surface in the entire arena.  Just to make sure it's good and germy. 

 Sarah's not as thrilled to be standing next to Keith Urban as I would be, but, oh well.

 Of course, it wouldn't be the Happiest Place on Ice without a little drama.  Our tickets were for the Gaylord box, which spoiled us grownups, but made some divas a little pouty.  She was afraid Jessie wouldn't see her when she waved at her. 

But, a little sustenance was all that was needed to get unicorn, human, and space ranger back in good spirits.

It's pretty obvious who this guy was on the lookout for the whole time, but he was almost as excited to see Mater and the gang, too. 

 We spent a lot of time in the run-up to the show speculating on how Lightning McQueen was going to skate without any legs.  The answer was thrilling.

 Ariel and friends had us dancing in our seats, while Ursula the Sea Witch had us hiding our faces.

The Tinkerbell sequence was kind of a snooze-fest, even for Sarah, and my little man was getting frustrated about how long it was taking for Buzz Lightyear to come out.

The kids used intermission to practice their spaghetti/dead slug mode, and Mike and I brushed up on the football hold. But, after a rough intermission of trying to tell people to wait ten minutes when they can't tell time, it was all rapt attention.

Toy Story!

Jessie and Bullseye!

 This guy stole the show for us, though.

Does it get any better than Mickey and the Gang and the Toy Story bunch?

 Mike and I have decided that we are now too spoiled to go back to general seating at the arena.  Just to let you know what a good time Sarah had, she thanked Mike, unbidden, as the lights came up.  And, just to prove that we still know how to party, Will peed off the 2nd level of the parking garage.